Do I Need Too Much from Others? A Reflection on Empathy, Longing, and Emotional Safety

Some clients come to therapy carrying a quiet but persistent fear: “What if I need too much from others?”

They may not say it directly, but it’s there. Woven into their carefulness, their overthinking, their deep desire to be understood without being seen as needy.

Often, these clients are emotionally intelligent and capable. They often show up generously in relationships. But beneath the surface, they carry a near-constant tension between the hunger for closeness and the fear that their needs will overwhelm others or be rejected altogether. And sometimes this does, in fact, make them demand, or expect, more than others can offer.

Empathy is not indulgence. It is not weakness. It is not optional. It is the neurobiological foundation of human connection. As Sue Johnson, founder of emotional focussed therapy, writes, “emotional isolation is inherently traumatizing.”

Whether we refer to it as loneliness, disconnection, or simply “not being felt,” our nervous systems interpret emotional absence as unsafe. For many, especially those who experienced inconsistent attunement in the past, the hunger for emotional connection becomes both more urgent and more fragile.

Not All Longing Is the Same

There is a difference between:

• Crisis-driven empathy – when life cracks open and we reach out to be held

• Chronic unmet longing – a deep, ongoing ache that persists even in moments of closeness

• Unsupportive connections – relationships that do not provide empathy or support when we need it.
  

The first is universal. Everyone has moments of vulnerability where we need co-regulation, support, presence. This is part of being human.

The second often has earlier roots. If, as a child, your feelings were met with blankness, dismissal, or emotional unavailability, your adult nervous system may remain on high alert. It may constantly scan for signs of empathy and fear its withdrawal.

The third can come from searching for connection – any connection – when dysregulated or when we fear being dysregulated. It happens when the thought of taking the lead and holding our own emotions is too much. It also comes from not being able to reciprocate; if we haven't mastered holding our own emotions, we're going to struggle to hold those of others.

In these cases, the need for empathy can feel all-consuming. You may find yourself trying hard to earn emotional connection: being endlessly generous, monitoring others’ reactions, apologising for having feelings, or giving more than you receive. Not because you’re manipulative, but because this is how your body learned to seek safety.

Or you may find yourself persisting with toxic or unhealthy connections, or making controlling demands of others, projecting behaviours onto others to avoid the fear of being alone with your emotions. Rather than operating as guideposts, your emotions become prison guards.

Shame and Sensitivity: A Double Bind

This often creates an internal double bind: I long to be emotionally met, but I fear that longing makes me unlovable, or that no-one can meet my needs.

You might then work to become “easier.” You downplay your needs. You intellectualise your pain. You try to meet others’ needs first so yours won’t feel like a burden.

Or, you always lead with your needs – you value others based on how responsive they are to your needs, how much they protect you from your own feelings, how much they soothe your anxiety.

Either way, healing doesn’t come from needing less. It comes from relating to your needs with more clarity and compassion, and learning to regulate with the help of others, rather than through others. It’s the subtle but critical difference between co-regulation, where others can attune to our needs, and emotional dumping, where we need others to carry our emotions.

What Therapy Can Offer

Therapy isn’t about erasing the desire for empathy. It’s about helping you:

• Recognise when your longing is grounded, and when it’s echoing old absence

• Build your own capacity for emotional regulation and self-trust

• Explore new ways of relating that don’t require abandoning yourself

• Choose relationships that are emotionally available, not just familiar

We work gently with the idea that your needs are not “too much.” They just haven’t always been received with the care they deserve.

This process takes time. But it is possible to move from chasing empathy to receiving it. And from over-functioning in relationships, or over-demanding, to resting in them.

Final Thoughts

The need to feel emotionally held is not a flaw. It’s part of your design.

But if that need has become a source of shame or distress, it may be time to explore it in a new way. Not to shut it down. But to let it be honoured with boundaries, with discernment, with responsibility, and with care.

You are allowed to want closeness. You are allowed to feel overwhelmed when it’s missing. But even then, you need to be able to find your own steadiness and not lose yourself.