Happines isn't just a choice

Suggesting that happiness is a choice comes across as painfully invalidating to someone who is struggling. The reality is that happiness, like fitness, isn’t a choice, it’s a state that we cultivate. And as with fitness, sometimes we get injured, no matter how hard you train.

However, even when injured we can do things to maintain our fitness as much as possible until we recover; completely stopping activity is detrimental. Research confirms what we all know - that fitness plummets after even a few days of bedrest.

Similarly, even when in a crisis we can do things to keep our baseline level of happiness intact. Three techniques, in particular, are helpful for improving happiness and overall wellbeing.

The first is cultivating AWE. Awe is the response we have to transcendental experiences – these occur when we experience things that are beyond our comprehension, or that touch us deeply. The night sky, a mountain view, a work of art, or the first coffee of the day. To cultivate awe, we can recall moments of awe (from our memories), seek them out (going for a hike, for example), or learn to see the amazing in the ordinary. Counsellor Jake Eagle and his co-author, Michael Amster, cover effective techniques for cultivating awe in their book, The Power of Awe.

The second is GRATITUDE. Research (for example, that of Philip Watkins) has confirmed that having a grateful personality is linked to subjective well-being (Dr Watkins suggests that gratitude trains our brains for happiness). His research suggests that gratitude explains up to 25% of our happiness, and nearly everyone finds that the very act of expressing gratitude creates immediate happiness. Gratitude also prevents us succumbing to social comparison and the envy and stress it brings. It has also been found to be an effective coping mechanism for hard times. Perhaps this explains why even small gestures in hard times, like someone making us a cup of tea, can help shift our mood.

To measure your current level of gratitude, you can try this quiz here, and afterwards consider the suggestions it provides for increasing your gratitude levels.

The third is KINDNESS, to self and to others. This is cultivated intentionally through Buddhist loving-kindness meditation, also known as Metta. This style of meditation is designed to bring up feelings of kindness to ourself and to others through the use of mantras. For a great guide, explore the wisdom of Buddhist teacher Gil Fronsdal in a collection of mediations at AudioDharma or read his chapter on it here.

These techniques work, even in a crisis, but they are also useful for everyday well-being. But don’t wait until crisis strikes to cultivate them. When we become overwhelmed, we are more likely to fall back on habits. You’ll be “grateful” that you already cultivated happiness habits!

Importantly, just like training to become fit, these techniques don’t work if you’re just going through the motions. Having an awe-inspiring picture on the wall isn’t effective if you don’t take time to contemplate it with intention. Writing lists of gratitudes doesn’t work if you don’t take the time to pause and savour the feelings and memories that accompany them. And repeating mantras about love, peace, safety and kindness don’t work unless you mean it.

How do you know that you’re doing these right? Just like with fitness training, you’ll know it’s working because you’ll FEEL it, you can’t just do it in your head.

Further reading

Spiering, B.A., Weakley, J. & Mujika, I. Effects of Bed Rest on Physical Performance in Athletes: A Systematic and Narrative Review. Sports Med 53, 2135–2146 (2023).

Watkins, Philip C., 'Gratitude and Subjective Well-Being', in Robert A. Emmons, and Michael E. McCullough (eds), The Psychology of Gratitude, Series in Affective Science (New York, 2004; online edn, Oxford Academic, 22 Mar. 2012)

Fronsdal, G. (2008). The Issue at Hand: Essays on Buddhist Mindfulness Practice.