The pioneer of person-centred therapy, Carl Rogers, wrote that the good life is “a direction, not a destination”.
This is undeniably true – the future is unknown, and we only torture ourselves if we insist life must unfold a certain way, become something specific, and deliver us the outcome that we feel we’re destined to have.
Instead, our lives develop in ways that we may not have imagined. If we assume that we will one day arrive at a conflict-free, fulfilling equilibrium, we will be disappointed. We are, always, at the mercy of the whims of an uncontrollable world.
“The more you seek to control external events, the less control you will have over your own life.” (Epictetus, Roman Stoic Philosopher)
How do we proceed, then, if we don’t have a destination? (or, as Carl Jung wrote, “How can we presume to want to know in advance, from where the light will come to us?”)
Instead of thinking of a destination, we need to focus on a direction. We can find meaning and joy in the present moment when we feel that our life is going in the right direction.
Life does not come with a map, however. To find the right direction, we need a guide. And our values are our guide. You know when you’re living in accordance with your values because it feels right. When the way you think, act, and feel are aligned, there is little uncertainty about what direction to take.
Value are not goals, however. They are not things that we want to achieve, they are ways in which we want to live. Losing 10kg is a goal, living a healthy lifestyle is a value.
One of the key consequences of anxious living is that we withdraw from our values. For example, people experiencing generalised anxiety disorder often find their internal states overwhelming and frightening. They avoid anxiety-inducing experiences, and ultimately restrict their behaviour. Their lives are based less on their values, and more on their fear of their internal experience[i]
Numerous therapies rely on refocussing on values to overcome anxiety-driven experiential avoidance. Carl Roger’s person-centred approach expects that when a client is understood and accepted in therapy, they become more accepting of their internal state, and can start to trust their experiences more to guide them towards their values - as a result, they become more authentic, self-directed, open to experience, and engaged with others[ii].
My aim in counselling is to get you to that place, using compassion, insight, and challenge, so that you can navigate your challenges and rebuild resilience with confidence and determination.
Further reading:
[i] Michelson SE, Lee JK, Orsillo SM, Roemer L. The role of values-consistent behavior in generalized anxiety disorder. Depress Anxiety. 2011 May;28(5):358-66. doi: 10.1002/da.20793. Epub 2011 Feb 9. PMID: 21308890; PMCID: PMC3086989.
[ii] Yadavia JE, Hayes SC. Values in acceptance and commitment therapy. A comparison with four other approaches. Hellenic Journal of Psychology. 2009;6:244–72.