Why self-care needs to welcome suffering

In our fast-paced world, self-care is often reduced to simple routines that offer comfort and temporary relief. Yet true self-care isn’t merely about chasing positive vibes or shielding ourselves from pain. It is about embracing the full spectrum of our existential experience - the bright and the dark, the joyful and the painful - and integrating both into our everyday lives.

When we acknowledge our shadow (the parts of ourselves we reject) we open the door to deep healing and growth. Many of us are tempted to create (or re-visit) safe spaces that nurture our surface-level well-being, but as Jung reminds us, genuine transformation occurs not by avoiding discomfort, but by courageously turning toward the parts of ourselves we fear. One rapid way of doing this is by choosing to try that confronting, but exciting activity, instead of the familiar and safe options we keep returning to.

This honest confrontation with our inner darkness is what ultimately leads us to a more authentic, whole, and congruent self. True self-care means engaging the difficult, sometimes messy emotions that arise from life’s struggles (the things that we normally use our psychological defence mechanisms to avoid…). Suffering, while painful, holds within it the seeds of growth and transformation, enabling us to discover our inner strength and resilience.

Viktor Frankl, founder of logotherapy, encapsulated this idea when he observed, “Everything can be taken from a [person] but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.” In other words, our response to suffering can become our greatest source of meaning and liberation. (I'd even go further and suggest that the act of trying to use self-care routines to escape suffering actually increases our suffering).

In therapy, as in proper self-care rituals, you are invited into a safe and supportive space where every aspect of your being is acknowledged. A skilled counsellor does more than support you on when life is easy; they walk with you through both storms and sunshine. This process of integration is not about forcing yourself into a state of perpetual happiness; it is about understanding that even in our moments of darkness there lies an opportunity for renewal and self-discovery.

When you dare to make the darkness conscious, you also free yourself from the unconscious patterns that limit your growth. These unconscious patterns will, according to Carl Jung, keep manifesting in our lives until we recognise them: "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." (Carl Jung).

Every experience - be it of pain or pleasure - contributes to the mosaic that forms your unique self. Learning to make this attitude your default: that in everything there is not only a lesson and an opportunity, but an opportunity to connect with your deeper self, goes a long way to dispelling the anxiety we have about life.

Genuine self-care therefore means daring to explore not only what lights you up, but also what weighs you down. This balanced embrace of joy and suffering forms the foundation of a truly meaningful life.

If you’re ready to outgrow old patterns and embrace your whole self, consider reaching out for therapy. Together, we can explore the hidden depths of your experience and help you discover a more balanced, congruent way of living. Your journey toward true self care and personal growth starts with one courageous step.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” – Rumi